WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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