What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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