You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
