He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
