That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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