A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
