Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
