It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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