I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
