Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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