i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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