omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
