She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
