And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize