Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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