I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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