Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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