In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
