Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
