Having a random hookup so left but love u
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize