i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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