The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
