Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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