it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
