I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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