Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
