it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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