theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
