Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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