I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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