a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
id be glad to
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
