So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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