Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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