please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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