Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
