So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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