Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize