last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just had sex on a roof
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize