I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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