My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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