i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
