i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
