I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
