Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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