I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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