do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
