Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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