I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
