Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
