Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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