It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
organizing the empties. That sober.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize