just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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