Old men and throwing up are my life now.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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