Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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