Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The air was thick with penises
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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