An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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