Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
