you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
